We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
