Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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