ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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