These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
