alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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