There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize