u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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