1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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