Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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