I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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