some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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