The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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