dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
