My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
