She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize