doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
