Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize