do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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