oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
