and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
