You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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