There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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