mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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