one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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