Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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