he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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