I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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