I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
