Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
