you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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