I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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