EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
