I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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