Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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