he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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