I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
