Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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