This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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