The maid of honor just puked.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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