I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
