spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
