I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
