Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
