To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize