proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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