Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
