I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
