Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
