I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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