Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
