I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
