hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is Oprah even human
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
