just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize