she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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