omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
