i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
