Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
