I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
