i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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