I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
