he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
