We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize