I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
