Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
