Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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