did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
